Short version of the history of the world

For those that don't know about history...here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals 2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for their arrival, people just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, etching, and hair dressing This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly PABST. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Lanny

Egg,

I have no arguements. Well stated.

The gov is winning over the people because they have the power to use the greatest war plan ever. (DIVIDE AND CONQUER) They use media and scare tactics to divide us into small groups that way we have no power against them. Conservative (republican) liberal (democrat) so many party's it really is ridiculous. Our election was won because Obama and his crew said (CHANGE! WE NEED CHANGE) Now that he has proved he has no idea what year it is :laugh: lets elect someone with brains!

"It is important that the definition of terms be understood for effective communication." (Lanny) "I remain hopeful that this is the issue that may get you to cross over from the dark side." (Mike)

Lanny and Mike are, at least in my opinion, completely right. The biggest problem I have with the conservative/liberal war is right there in those two statements. I consider the border between conservatism and liberalism to be extremely porous. Depending on what is being done or what is being discussed I will usually take a side and it's likely to be in either camp.

I'm an old-school liberal who crossed over many years ago and I'm a conservative who doesn't think twice about crossing back over when I perceive the need for reform.

I think current definitions lead us astray. Status quo vs. reform is in constant need of scrutiny. I love the status quo, never tire of it, unless the status quo is inadequate. I don't love change, never have, unless the status quo is dangerous or suffocating.

Hitler and Stalin were not liberals. They were control freaks, deadly, and suffocating. Once they assumed control they were conservative to a fault.

I know that's not what you guys mean by conservative and I know that's not what any of us want.

But no matter what team we think we're on, conservatism and liberalism can switch relative poles without warning, without notice, and without mercy, in a blink of an eye. That, and because of what lanny said (that there are all sorts of personal definitions out there that make all sorts of different assumptions) is why I feel no desire to wave either flag very much. Some of the best people and some of the worst people I know are conservatives and liberals and the only thing that really matters much to me is value and the problem at hand.

Out here they are shutting down parks and cutting off resources for children while ridiculous rising health care costs are being sucked up by prisoners. Yeah, I'm for small government. Big enough to be a player. Big enough to adjudicate irreconcilable differences among the populace. But as small as possible. But smart enough to weigh relative values and not shoot off like some hideous projectile. Government should not be about accumulation of power. It should be about achieving and maintaining balance. Otherwise it should be forced to creep around in a full-body harness with a self-retracting lifeline to protect it from itself. And us from it.

Whether you are a single person or a government, you have to have a large amount of conservatism and a large amount of liberalism to achieve balance. Balance is everything. The trick is employing them in the right places and the right ways. Hard work and heart. Body, mind, and soul. Ferocious and merciful.

(cant never could) B)

It is big indeed, Lanny.

Egg, I'm still reeling from that comment. As the ultimate wordsmith, I always want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I'm really struggling with that one.

Maybe it's because a big part of my roots are in the Ukraine, and I know that Stalin was not "conservative", he was communist, and he was evil.

Maybe it's because I just visited the Holocaust Museum in Detroit last week and it's still so fresh in my mind that I'm absolutely horrified to even be mentioned in the same class as Hitler. Evil barely begins to accurately describe him.

Conservative???? Frightening. I would be very interested to hear your definition of the word.

To me, conservatives seem to be the most freedom loving, rule of law respecting, individual freedom granting, human respecting group of people I know of. I know it's a big word with a lot of connotations, and broad strokes rarely cover anything effectively, but ...... just WOW!

I suppose the next thing you're gonna try and convince me of is that conservatives rewrote the OSHA fall protection guideliness too, eh? LOL ;

Remember this: I just love statistics. In our industry: 40 Doesn't matter how many ropes. Doesn't matter how many hardhats. Doesn't matter how many combat boots.

40 in the whole country in the whole year for the whole industry. No matter what anybody does, incidents will end up being assigned to that statistical column. Even if you outlawed roofing altogether.

I am disgusted. Nanny state. r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s

I remain hopeful that this is the issue that may get you to cross over from the darkside.

PS: I'm secretly working on an underhanded re-writing of the International Building Code that will call for the inclusion of cant strip at all horizontal transitions greater than 2" in height. But not until I corner the market on miniature cant strips. It's all part of the grand conservative take-over plot, ya'know?

Egg..."I guess what makes me recoil is Hitler and Stalin were conservatives." ---The definition of conservative may be quite broad in some people's minds but it is hard to stretch it that far. ---I would not consider anyone who leads an absolute totalitarian gov't conservative. They may have held conservative views on some social issues but they both were grand collectivists. ---From Wiki..."According to Moyra Grant, in political philosophy "collectivism" refers to any philosophy or system that puts any kind of group (such as a class, nation, race, society, state, etc.) before the individual.[4] According to Encyclopædia Britannica, "collectivism has found varying degrees of expression in the 20th century in such movements as socialism, communism, and fascism. The least collectivist of these is social democracy, which seeks to reduce the perceived injustices of unrestrained capitalism by government regulation, redistribution of income, and varying degrees of planning and public ownership. In communist systems collectivist economics are carried to their furthest extreme, with a minimum of private ownership and a maximum of planned economy." ---Liberals champion the above. I call myself a "Jeffersonian conservative." That is, I believe in SMALL GOVERNMENT (opposite of Hitler & Stalin's TOTAL gov't)and individual liberty. ---Collectivism is the opposite of individual liberty. Liberals want to see the gov't control every aspect of our lives and I have watched individual liberties being lost little by little. More gov't means more taxes means more forced gov't looting means less liberty. ---In my mind anyone who denies people individual liberty cannot be conservative be definition. I would think a Libertarian would be much closer to a conservative. ---This is a big area for lots of discussion. It is important that the definition of terms be understood for effective communication.

Lanny

This "Short version of the history of the world" is a choice little piece and I laughed immediately. I guess that would make me a conservative. But Peter nailed it about the whiskey. In case anybody might be getting the wrong idea, unlikely as that may seem, the story is a satire and a comedy, not ever meant to be taken literally even though what makes it so good is there is truth laced into it. I guess what makes me recoil is Hitler and Stalin were conservatives. The bankers who repeatedly bring us to our economic knees are conservatives. Matter of fact, most of the self-seeking cut-throats who make the world so unsafe are "conservative." You can take ten guys out hunting gators and you may have ten conservatives. You take a hundred and fifty thousand guys out drinking beer & hunting gators and suddenly you have a hundred and fifty thousand liberals. Ponder that.

"Oboma did not use any info or tactics or special opps or technology from the former pres? He just put on his super undies and saved the world with "his seals" by training, teaching, making the call and then leading the seals into Osama's living room. Hell did he take the first shot also? Now I have "comprehension problems or am simply hallucinating" It's spelled Obama .You seem to also have spelling problems .The seals and the technology have been there .They were avalaible to G Bush too , but he decided to spend $1.2 trillion to invade the wrong country on the pursuit of WMD instead of Bin Ladin.Just in case that you don't know the WMD were never found.$1.2 trillion and 5000 american lives were wasted.All we got from Bush was:"Oops sorry.i wish i had better intelligence:'

"I would never want any one to think me a dumbass.." You're a little bit too late for that.

Who cares? I think that just about sums it up. Thats what is wrong with the world we live in today, people like you dont care about anyone but your self, and you out number the rest of us. I would never want any one to think me a dumbass, you dont seem to mind. Your Bush bashing and Oboma luvin is funny. (BHO did in two yrs what Bush could not in his whole term) are you serious??? Oboma did not use any info or tactics or special opps or technology from the former pres? He just put on his super undies and saved the world with "his seals" by training, teaching, making the call and then leading the seals into Osama's living room. Hell did he take the first shot also? Now I have "comprehension problems or am simply hallucinating" Thats some good stuff, you cant make this up, people really believe this bs. Thank the GOOD LORD for Borock Hussain Oboma he has come to save us all and Alba's gunna beat his drum. Thanks for the laughs brother.

Alba, I just dont think we would ever get along, and I can get along with damn near anyone.

roofdoc Said: Alba, I just dont think we would ever get along, and I can get along with damn near anyone."

Who cares.

It sounds like you are not happy with how the west was won. No it was not fair but it was the way it was done. It let you be as successful as you are. I refuse to keep getting blamed for something that happened a hundred years ago. .." Nobody is blaming you .we were talking about the ones who lived back then.Of course nothing can be changed now but the least we can do is not brag about it.We can't go by imperial wizard's preaching that the extermination of the poor defendless indians was jutified because it allowed the white man to build this beautiful country.Hitler justifed the murder of other inferior races to create living space for his own people.

I have read your post before and it seems you think you are owed something. I am owed nothing not even a fair deal, I play the hand I am dealt I will never blame you for my short commings. If I am reading you wrong then forgive me I am not trying to hurt your feelings I am trying to understand that mindset. mw

Not lost in my neighborhood of PA. If not working, hunting they are fishing. That's why us women bitch so much. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: PC

Nice pictures, we just had 2 bear siteings today in developements :laugh: it was trash day, they are awake and hungry.

We took that one with a cross bow, set the harpoon with one and bled out with another. It was kinda of an experiment then now alot of guys are using them. They even have laser dots for em, pretty bad azz.

Now thats awsome! I want to hunt a gator with my bow!

hunting & fishing has been lost by most. People have lost touch with nature!

If that wasn't a beautiful "Pun" then nothing is. We certainly are not going to fight over that post now are we?